Jokes

      I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.

Who is General Failure and
why is he reading my hard disk?

The only substitute for good manners
is fast reflexes.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but
she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever
so far, so good

Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar,
but goundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese

If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse

for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something

Many people quit looking for work
when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind,
my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.

What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested,
charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock:
cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute.
Only used once, never opened, small stain.

It is hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes
He would have put them on my knees

If you're living on the edge,
make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.

It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.

Health is merely the
slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Living is a terminal disease.

The two most common elements in the universe
are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness.
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe
travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never
plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered
that research causes cancer in rats.

The trouble with doing something right the first time
is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

A woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because a man can see better than he can think.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Remember : Wherever you go, there you are.

The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls,
a flower grows.
And a foundation leaks and
a ball game gets rained out
and a car rusts and...

Always take time to stop and smell the roses...
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls,
you can hold the receiver up to it
and run your fingernails across it
until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the three major food
groups:
the chocolate group, the salty-snack group and the caffeine group,

Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are down.

A man's best friend is his dog.
That's assuming you want a friend who
messes on your carpet
and drools on your newspaper.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say,
"$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet,
I'd put shoes on my cat.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown,
and even fewer still to ignore them completely.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...

I believe five out of four people
have trouble with fractions.

Do Lipton Tea employees
take coffee breaks?

What hair color
do they put on
the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women
should put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans.

It seems that people read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older
then it dawned on me . . .
they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks
always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency.
I think you should write . .
. A Very Good Doctor.

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